How to Be a Bitch | By Najla Brown
Having a fur coat is a requirement. It doesn’t necessarily need to match the color of the hair you already have, but it makes the transition easier if it does. So stop shaving. Stop waxing. Stop plucking. Let your body hair be your first teacher. Watch as it makes your body its home like so many other things will try to. Follow its example. Make your body your home. Protect yourself, but stop hiding the wild parts of you. Grow wiry. Grow strong. Grow defiant.
Like the fur coat, you’ll want to get used to wearing it. To feeling it’s weight on your body and the way it wipes away your skin’s tears. Sweat is a necessity. It’s all a part of your natural musk, that blend of rust and fertile soil, and you need to smell untamable or people will mistake you for the average dog. They’ll try to pick you up off the street. Yell a mix of sweet and sour words from their car in an effort to coax you into their vehicle, their home, their bed. Keep walking, or better yet, start running.
Remind yourself how strong your legs are. How they’ll carry you wherever you want to go and back if that’s where you want to be, and when you’re ready, learn how to walk on all fours. It will feel like trying on your first pair of high heels, but you’ll get used to it. It’s all a matter of preparing yourself for the big night, so use this time to establish your boundaries and protect them. Piss at their corners if you need to remind people that this is your territory and bite when necessary. Don’t apologize. In fact, get a taste for blood. Start eating red meat.
A well-done steak is okay the first day, but by the time a waning gibbous hangs over your head at night, you should be walking out of the butcher store with a full stomach and blood dripping down your face. Use the brown paper as a napkin or don’t, but prepare yourself for how people will comment on your stained mouth and how it reminds them of lipstick. They’ll think you dressed up for them. Don’t accept this. Set the record straight. Practice saying all the things you’ve held back in order to be seen as amenable. Remember, you are not a dog. Listen to how “no” begins to sound like a howl the more times it crawls out of your throat, so speak loud. Play with your range. People may misinterpret your body, but they will understand your snarl, so bare your teeth. If you do it right, white foam will begin to creep out of the corners of your mouth and no one will confuse it for a smile. It’s too late in the cycle to be smiling anyways, so pay attention to nature. When animals begin to flee upon your approach, you’ll know your time is near.
Wait until the night before a full moon. Skip dinner. Download every dating app. and only swipe right on the men who describe themselves as alpha. Size them up by their pictures. Focus more on the ones who take gym selfies or body shots in their poorly lit bathrooms shirtless. Imagine what it feels like to have them inside of you. That fullness that only comes with total satisfaction. Invite your favorite over for tomorrow night. If you choose correctly, they’ll hit the gym before arriving at your place so their bodies pulse with just enough blood to make them look swollen in all the right places, like a berry just asking to be plucked. You’ll be able to smell them from down the street. That mix of machismo and Axe Body Spray will make them easier to track if you need to. You may need to.
It’s difficult to say how a man will react when he meets an actual bitch, so make him wait outside your door after he knocks. Let him stand there until you hear him call you by your name under his breath before turning to leave, then throw the curtains open. Strip completely naked. Let the moonlight kiss every part of you as it readies you to answer the door.
He’ll know he’s come to the right place by the slobber dripping from your muzzle.
About the Author:
Najla Brown traded in the oil pumpjacks of West Texas for the oil skyscrapers of Houston. She holds a Bachelor of Arts from Texas A&M in English and Political Science. She spends her days writing tag lines and her nights writing everything else. You can find her work in Houstonia Magazine, Molotov Cocktail, Coffin Bell Journal, and elsewhere.