The Great Swim Divide by Amanda Siri Hill

The Great Swim Divide  |  Amanda Siri Hill

May 5, 2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com
From JohnTMalrose@gmail.com 
Subject: Please stop taking all the swim lessons

I know you check your email. You can’t pretend you’re too old to understand technology because you’re an expert at using the computer to get online and take all the swim lesson slots before anyone else can. You’ve forced me to send this email since you insist on avoiding me at the mailbox. 

Don’t think I’ve forgotten, or that I will let this go. James is the best swim coach this side of the Mississippi and I found him first. Please, stop taking all the swim lessons from my kids. Please.

***

May 11, 2024
To: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com 
From: Carol376@gmail.com 
Re: Please stop taking all the swim lessons

I’ve lived 84 years and I can do what I want.

***

May 12, 2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com 
Re: Re: Please stop taking all the swim lessons

Do you just want my kids to drown? You know these lessons are for children to learn how to be safe in the water? You can barely walk, why swim?

***

May 22, 2024
To: James@swimsafekids.com
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com 
Subject: Evil elderly woman intends for children to drown

James,

I can’t thank you enough for your dedication in teaching my children to swim. I know your time is valuable so I will be brief. 

I referred my neighbor Carol to you when she mentioned a desire to learn to swim in her old age, and now she books all the lessons the moment they hit the website. I don’t even have a chance to check my calendar before they are all gone. There must be a limit on the amount of lessons she is allowed to sign up for.  

Please speak to her about her lack of consideration. I would hate for the drowning of a child to be on her conscience. 

***

May 23, 2024
To: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com
From: James@swimsafekids.org
Re: Evil elderly woman intends for children to drown

John,

Please refer to the booking policy on our website. All lessons booked through our online process are final. Best of luck.

James

***

May 25.2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com
From: JerricaOlsen20@gmail.com
Subject: Benefits of Knitting

Carol,

Your tulips are looking lovely, they’re the best on the street. Thank you for taking such good care of your yard; it lifts the beauty of our neighborhood. 

I just got off the phone with John and he isn’t happy. I know it’s a free country and you have every right to book whatever swim lessons you want, but don’t you think the kids need them more? What kind of swimming are you going to do at your age anyway? Maybe you could pick up knitting instead? It’s meditative and relaxing—just up your alley. Anyway, John said he won’t shovel your driveway this winter if you don’t stop. 

Jerrica

***

May 27, 2024
To: JerricaOlsen20@gmail.com
From: Susan_Buttars@taxoffice.com
Subject: Back off

Jerrica,

I ran into Carol while walking my dogs yesterday. I know you meant well, but you can’t tell a woman to pick up knitting, even if she is 84. 

Susan

***

May 31, 2024
To: ChadCarter@healthsystems.com
From: ToddBlack@Designstudio.com
Subject: So long friend

Chad,

My wife said your wife said you helped Carol fix her internet, and now we can’t go biking anymore. Sorry.

Todd

***

June 1, 2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com 
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com
Subject: Enough already

Carol,

It is heartbreaking to see a friendly neighborhood break into two factions. I think enough is enough. Can we please meet to discuss a solution?

John

***

June 4^th, 2024
To: Catwhisperer@comcast.net
From: BombshellBlondie69@gmail.com
Subject: Not freezing over yet

Not a chance in hell. John found James first and Carol can shove it. She’s too old for swim lessons anyway. What’s she gonna do? Swim the English Channel? Remember last year when she kept feeding the deer and they ate our gardens? I’m sick of her acting like she is the only person in this world. What about the rest of us? 

***

June 7^th, 2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com
Subject: Final warning

Your lack of concern for myself and the rest of our community is appalling. You hide behind the face of a sweet old woman, when in reality you are a child-killing witch and we won’t stand for it anymore. This is your last warning before we implement a new plan. 

Lessons for the next month hit the website in a few days–you better be ready because we are. 

***

June 14, 2024
Free listing on Craig’s List

Please come get all the granny swim diapers you want, no charge. I had to buy every package from the local store to keep a certain woman out of the pool so my kids won’t drown. If your name is Carol, do not respond.

***

June 14^th 2024
To: Carol376@gmail.com
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com
Subject: Warm water

Todd was able to get one slot before you took the rest and he will be peeing in the pool before you get in. 

***

June 20^th, 2024
To: JerricaOlsen20@gmail.com
From: Catwhisperer@comcast.net
Subject: A million thanks

Carol gave me the yarn and needles you left on her front step and showed me your last email about the benefits of knitting. Since Carol is retired, she is more relaxed than either of us and does not need to knit, so I decided to take it up. Turns out you were right, I love it! Maybe you should join me. 

***

July 1^st, 2025
To: Undisclosed recipients
From: James@swimsafekids.org
Subject: Welcome Carol

Dear Customers,

You may have noticed when you showed up to lessons last week that we have a new swim coach. We are pleased to welcome Carol and we’d like to congratulate her on her recent swim across the English Channel. We are honored she chose to be a part of our community. With Swim Safe Kids in her competent hands, I have decided to retire from lessons after ten years of teaching. Thank you for being a part of the Swim Safe Kids family. 

Be sure to sign up fast, her slots fill up quickly. 

James

***

December 10^th, 2025

To: Carol376@gmail.com
From: JohnTMalrose@gmail.com
Subject: Stop taking all the ski classes

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