Sell Bots by Joe Cappello

Sell Bots | Joe Cappello

CHARACTERS

Samantha Hollis : Female, Age 35-45. Star salesperson for the Worthington Robotics Company. Aggressive, over the top, Sam quickly fills any room she enters. She’s learned the game and knows how to play it well.

Lonnie: Female, age 20-25. A recent hire fresh out of college. She is eager to make her mark and become a successful businesswoman, despite her lack of experience and naiveté. 

Ms. Whitman: Female, age 35-45. Human Resource Director for the Worthington Robotics Company. She is a dedicated employee, imbued with a sense of fairness and accountability. She does her best to enforce the rules and policies established by the company.

SETTING

A conference room at the Worthington Robotics Company. 

TIME

Present day.

ACT I

Scene 1

A conference room at the Worthington Robotics Company. A table is set center stage with three chairs around it.

AT RISE: MS. WHITMAN and LONNIE are sitting next to each other at the table. They are working on their laptops. Files and manuals are visible on the table along with a landline phone. SAM knocks on the door and bursts into the room.

MS. WHITMAN

Oh, Sam, good. You’re here. I—

SAM

(Animated and bigger than life)

Quick, who’s the best boss? Honk! Too late. I’m the best boss….My people tell me that all the time. Of course, they’re reading it off my coffee mug.

(Claps her hands)

Ho, I’m on a roll. I interviewed this older guy for a sales  position and he told me he dates a lot. I asked him what he uses for protection. He said “diapers.”

(Holds out her arms)

Yikes, don’t try to stop me.

MRS WHITMAN

Samantha…

SAM

(Ignores her)

Salespeople are turned on by cash. Did you know their dreams are in green?…Those are their happiest…and wettest!

MS. WHITMAN

That’s enough, Sam…

SAM

A salesman was having trouble closing an account. He asked his boss to write out what he should do in bold, colorful language. He gave him a pink slip written in caps.

MS. WHITMAN

Can we get down to business now?

SAM

Ms. Whitman, I am always down to business. That’s what makes me the super-charged salesman I am.

LONNIE

You mean sales…person, don’t you?

SAM

Oh, so we’re being PC, are we? Okay, then how about something more gender neutral like Sales Mx…or why stop there? Let’s change “he” to “sie” and “her” to “zim.” I know, how about when we introduce ourselves; we settle the issue then. Hi, I’m Samantha Hollis and my pronoun is…FU! I’m not into the idiot-ology of it. I just sell. Which makes me more important than any one who doesn’t sell.

MS. WHITMAN

Sam, please. I need you to get in an HR mode.

SAM

HR…that’s…Human Rah-Rah. I’m all for the soft, touchy-feely side of things. I am at your service, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the bare knuckles, tough stuff  that happens on my side of the fence. 

LONNIE

Which is…?

SAM

Sell bots.

(Looks at LONNIE for a moment)

My, my. Who is this young person? 

(To MS. WHITMAN)

Is she your daughter? Is this a bring your Child to Work day?

MS. WHITMAN

Stop it, Sam.

LONNIE

What are “bots?’

SAM

The answer to your first question is, no I will not, and to the young lady’s question, it’s what we sell. Some say robotics. We sell Worthington robotics, but I like to cut out the nonsense, get right to what we do in my department. So, I just shorten it to…

(Leaning close to LONNIE’S face)

…bots.

LONNIE

And let me answer your question. My name is Lonnie and I am Ms. Whitman’s new assistant personnel manager.

SAM

(Pause)

And let me pose another question to you if I may. Why am  I here and not where I should be doing what I do best? Selling bots. What do you think, Connie?

LONNIE

That’s Lonnie.

MS. WHITMAN

This won’t take long, Sam. We just want to go over some issues.

SAM

(Ignoring her, to LONNIE)

Wanna’ know the secret to good salesmanship?

(She attempts to answer. She cuts her off)

Bagels. Impossible for a client to say no to you after taking a big bite out of a bagel they just buttered or smeared, compliments of you. Oh. And sensitivity. A client of mine lost his wife. I sent him a condolence card with a paid subscription to eHarmony.

LONNIE

That’s so…crass.

SAM

Not at all. Met his second wife. They’re getting married next week. I’m the best man….sorry…I mean person.

LONNIE

I didn’t know sales worked that way.

SAM

Let me explain something to you, Donnie…

LONNIE

That’s Lonnie…

SAM

(Ignoring her)

Salespeople drive this economy. The profit motive is our fuel, the invisible hand our guide. The how matters little…only…the…result.

(He finishes standing next to her and looking down at her)

A young person like you should consider sales.

MS. WHITMAN

 Sam…

SAM

… That’s where the action is. Hittin’ the road, makin’ calls…dinners in expensive restaurants…late nights with clients for some no-holes-barred fun. Why would you want pass on that for two fifteen minute breaks and a forty-five minute lunch a day? You should stop by my department, I’ll show  you around.

(Hands her a business card)

Here, call me anytime. 

(Leaning closer to her)

I bet I could turn you…

MS. WHITMAN

That’s enough, Sam.

SAM

…Into a salesman…salesperson…zie, sie whatever pronoun. 

MS. WHITMAN

Can we please get down to issues?

SAM

Issues, right. I’ve got a few myself. One very sensitive one, in fact, so sensitive I dare not speak it too loudly.

(Speaking softly as though not to be heard)

Milk.

MS. WHITMAN

Milk?

LONNIE

The kind you drink?

SAM

No, the kind you pour over a new employee’s head for asking such a dumb question. Of course, the kind you drink. I have observed a few employees in my department consuming way too much milk.

MS. WHITMAN

What is…too much?

SAM

Pouring it wantonly and greedily over heaping bowls of cereal, sloshing it carelessly over packets of oatmeal, filling glasses to the rim with it to dunk their cookies.

LONNIE

But it’s only milk.

SAM

Ms. Whitman, would you please tell your employee that despite her extensive experiences with milk in and out of day care, what we serve here is company property and should only be used as an additive to one’s coffee.  

MS. WHITMAN

So what exactly do you want to do about it?

SAM

Isn’t it obvious? Take the coffee machine away, then there would be no need of milk. They can get their coffee on their own time and their own dime on their way to work in the morning. Problem solved.

LONNIE

You’d be taking way an employee benefit.

SAM

Exactly, I don’t want to give them anything. I want them hungry and on the phones, searching the internet, raiding social media for leads, leads they can turn into sales. Am I getting through to you, Bonnie?

LONNIE

That’s Lonnie, I—

SAM

You see, you won’t find this stuff in one of your college textbooks. I assume you graduated college…recently, right? It’s street smarts, something we could all use a lot more of.

MS. WHITMAN

Still, that seems extreme.

SAM

So is interrupting a sales hustler at the beginning of her busy day. Oh…before I forget…another issue. Too many people coming late. Gotta’ stop.

MS. WHITMAN

How big of a problem?

SAM

Big enough. I’m telling you, it’s affecting productivity.

MS. WHITMAN

Okay. I suggest pulling an attendance report for your department for the last month. You can ID the offenders from there and speak to them about the importance of starting on time.

SAM

Nope. Got a better idea. I’m gonna’ have the doorknob wired so it’s activated at 9:01 every morning. If anyone touches it after that time, he or she gets a shock.

MS. WHITMAN

C’mon, you can’t do that.

SAM

Why not? Just a little zorch. It won’t hurt…much. It’s a way to make sure they get their asses to 

work on time…or else.

MS. WHITMAN

We’ll get sued…

LONNIE

It’s cruel, downright barbaric…

MS. WHITMAN

You can’t—

SAM

Alright, alright, stop…stop! I’m joshin’ you. okay? Having some fun, goin’ for a few laughs. I mean, you dragged me down here, so, okay, I don’t mind  clowning around a bit with folks from Human Rah-Rah.. I mean, I got better things to do, but, hey…so be it. 

(Goes to leave)

I’m not gonna’ wire the doorknob and that whole milk thing? Who cares how much milk they drink?

MS. WHITMAN

Sam…

SAM

I mean, I don’t. I don’t  care if they guzzle it out of the carton…

MS.WHITMAN

You need to stop.

SAM

Hey, it’s been real, but, I gotta go, I’m—

MS. WHITMAN

(She stands.)

Sam…

(Her tone stops Sam.)

I’m the one who called this meeting. This is my meeting. And you’re going to listen to what I have to say.

(Points to chair)

Now sit down.

(SAM hesitates at the door, staring at MS. WHITMAN. She slowly comes back into the room and sits down. MS. WHITMAN also sits down, then looks at LONNIE.)

Why don’t you begin?

LONNIE

Yes.

(Refers to her laptop)

It seems there have been several complaints from people in your department.

SAM

Uh…who are you, again…exactly?

MS. WHITMAN

Like she told you, she’s my assistant.

SAM

Right. Fresh out of school. What did you study?

LONNIE

My undergraduate degree was in Psychology and my masters is in Human Resource Management.

SAM

Right, which means you don’t know shit.

MS. WHITMAN

Sam…

SAM

C’mon, it’s the truth. First job out of school. How old are you, 22, 23?

LONNIE

That’s an inappropriate question.

SAM

That’s an immature answer. And who the hell are you to question me?

MS WHITMAN

We’re getting off track here. Like she said, we received complaints.

SAM

Oh, yeah? What kind of complaints?

MS. WHITMAN

Sexual harassment, abuse, questionable business practices. It’s a long list.

SAM

Bull. Give me one example.

LONNIE

You offered two women in your department time off if they had sex in front of you.

SAM

Uh…Elaine and Desiree, right? Everybody knows they’re lesbians.

MS. WHTIMAN

You can’t refer to their sexual orientation in the workplace. That’s harassment.

SAM

You’re readin’ way too much into this. It was all in fun. We all had a good laugh. They laughed, I saw them, they thought it was funny.

MS. WHITMAN

Then why did they file a complaint?

SAM

Who knows? I mean., I was teasin’ that’s all. I wouldn’t have forced them to do it…unless they wanted to.

LONNIE

You also called one of your older employees…

(Reading from her laptop)

‘a dead ass who should have retired years ago.’

MS.WHITMAN

Clearly age discrimination.

SAM

It was not. It was about his job performance. He missed his sales quota two quarters in a row. I should let him go.

LONNIE

But you referred to his age. You can’t fire him based on his age.

SAM

I’m sorry, who are you again?

MS. WHITMAN

Cut it out, Sam, this is serious. You fire him after what you said to him and the company could be looking at a full-blown age discrimination lawsuit. 

SAM

Oh, that’s ridiculous. I’m not gonna’ fire him, I was just tryin’ to motivate him…light a fire on his very wide….and old….and dead…ass.

MS. WHITMAN

Let’s move on.

(Consults her laptop)

Tell me about the confrontation between Jerry Romero and Jim Bennettt.

SAM

Oh, that? It was nothing. They got into a beef over a client.

LONNIE

Right. It was Jerry Romero’s client, but Jim Bennett was calling on him behind his back.

SAM

Jim’s aggressive, that’s all. Not a bad trait for a sales…you know…person.

MS. WHITMAN

According to Jerry, it was you who put Jim up to calling on his client.

LONNIE

That’s what Jim said when Jerry confronted him.

SAM

Jerry was getting nowhere with that account. I decided to wake him up a little. Besides, Jim’s a better salesman, he’s got the best chance of closing it.

MS. WHITMAN

But you’ve got to respect Jerry’s territory.

SAM

The only thing I got to respect…Ms. Whitman… is sales. And I don’t care who closes an account, as long as it gets closed.

LONNIE

But you can’t just arbitrarily assign—-

SAM

Hey, Ronnie…?

LONNIE

That’s Lonnie.

SAM

Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do.

(Pause. Tries to lighten the mood).

Look, I think you’re not getting what it is I do. I’m responsible for profitability in my department. So I gotta’ make it happen. Sometimes I gotta’ kick some butt, other times I’m the class clown, you know, the one who lightens things up, gets a laugh out of people when they need it the most. And, yeah, sometimes I gotta’ pit one guy against another, a divide and conquer thing.

LONNIE

That sounds so fifth century.

SAM

Well, Connie, Bonnie, Ronnie or whoever the hell you are, I don’t care what century it comes from as long as it works.

MS. WHITMAN

There is one other issue we need to talk about. You are in the process of pursuing a new client, a…

(Consults her notes)

Brower Industries.

SAM

Yeah, a potential huge account. What’s that got to do…?

MS. WHITMAN

It seems you’ve handed out some interesting perks to the Brower staff .

SAM

Cost of doin’ business. So…?

MS. WHITMAN

Let’s examine some of those costs.

(Points to LONNIE)

LONNIE

(Consulting her laptop)

In the last months you turned in receipts for several strip clubs, bought the Brower CEO a set of golf clubs, and flew him and his entire staff to Las Vegas for a weekend of gambling, shows, eating at the best restaurants, staying in expensive hotel rooms, all at company expense.

SAM

Like I said, cost of doin’ business. All on the up and up.

MS. WHITMAN

Does that include the prostitutes you had sent to their rooms? Was that on the …up and up…?

SAM

I don’t think you understand, you—

MS. WHITMAN

Oh, I understand all right. Your sales, and sales can do no wrong. Well, you’ve gone too far this time. You can’t slick your way out of this or give your typical “no problem” response to every accusation.You screwed up, Sam, plain and simple and you’re not getting away with it this time. This time, you’re going to answer for this.

SAM

(Puase)

Okay. Let’s cut the crap. What exactly’s going on here? What are you tryin’ to pull?

MS. WHITMAN

I’m not trying to pull anything. A few weeks ago, the HR department received a priority communication from CEO Lester Worthington. I’m sure you heard of him. It seems he’s on a campaign to show employees how much they are valued in the company. So he wants all  complaints from employees against managers or other company officials followed up on and resolved as soon as possible. How’s that for cuttin’ the crap?

SAM

So this is Les Worthington’s doing.

MS. WHITMAN

That’s right. And that’s Mr. Worthington to you.

SAM

I see. And does ole’ Les know you’re talking to me right now?

MS. WHITMAN

No, I don’t suppose…I don’t see what that has….

(SAM picks up the landline and dials)

What are you…who are you calling?

SAM

Hello, Rita? Hi, it’s Sam. Is Les in?

MS. WHITMAN

You can’t just call the CEO, you—

SAM

Hey, Les. Hi, it’s Samantha. Good. good. I’m good. Look. I’m over at HR and…Brower?…Oh, yeah we are definitely on track. They got their board meeting the end of the month, we’ll know for sure then. Yep. They’re gonna’ buy 150 robots for the factory their moving from China, then 300 more once they open the second one. We’re a shoe in, boss. I tell ya’, it was a stroke of genius you had giving the Brower CEO those golf clubs…and the girls in Vegas…now that was a nice touch in the right spot, if you get my drift. I’ll let you know the minute I hear. Back to why I called, I’m sitting here in HR with Ms. Whitman and some 5th grader she just hired, and they’re giving me a rash of shit about complaints from my department, and they’re bitching about the money you authorized me to spend for Brower  Yeah, well, they said they’re doing it because you told them to. Ms. Whitman? Yeah, she’s here. Just a minute.

(Hands the phone to MS. WHITMAN)

He wants to talk to you.

MS. WHITMAN

Hello? This is Ms…Yes, yes I did call the meeting. In response to your directive, Mr. Worthington. But…But I assumed it meant all complaints against any…yes…yes…I know what she does, still…Yes…yes, Mr. Worthington. I will. Right away.

(Hands phone back to SAM)

SAM

Hello, Les. Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks. No, I wouldn’t be so harsh on her, just doing her job, I guess. Or what she thinks is her job. I’d be more inclined to blame overzealous newbies…

(Glances at LONNIE)

…if you get my drift. Lunch? Why, sure, I’m free. See you at 12. Right. Thanks, Les. Bye.

(Still standing. There is an uncomfortable silence. He looks at MS. WHITMAN)

Well? Don’t you have an announcement?

MS. WHITMAN

The meeting…the meeting is over.

LONNIE

But we can’t just—

SAM

Shut up.

(To MS. WHITMAN)

And you. I expected a little more support from you. I mean, as a woman and all, I—

MS. WHITMAN

Save it, Sam. You don’t care about my support, you’re doing what’s best for you, period.

SAM

What’s best for me turns out to be what’s best for everybody in this company. When I shake a client’s hand and seal a deal, sure, I get my cut, but the rest of the cash goes to support all the pretend jobs that would amount to nothing without the sales me and my guys bring in every day.

MS. WHITMAN

Guys. That’s right, you’re just one of the guys, aren’t you?

SAM

Hey, that’s what we wanted, right? Equal treatment, equal pay, fat perks.

MS. WHITMAN

No, Sam. That’s what you wanted. “We” didn’t want you to become one of them. “We” wanted a 

MS. WHITMAN (Continued)

fair workplace for everybody. Not just for Mr. Sam Hollis.

SAM

Careful what you say, Ms. Whitman.

MS. WHITMAN

Or what? You’re gonna’ show me how you can make this all my fault? Save your breath. We all know how it ends. Management uses people like me for lightning rods. I’m used to it. No way I’m risking my 401 K or my salary that supports me and my two kids. So do your worst. I’ll get over it. I’ll  have two drinks tonight instead of my usual one.

SAM

(Pause. Stands uncomfortably close to her)

Because of me you get to play with your stupid rules and procedures, your handbooks and policies, and actually believe you’re doing something important. So for once in your tiny little life, at least accept you chose the wrong profession. Think about that the next time you dare to call me on your meaningless little carpet.

(Laughs as she walks toward the door)

I’m outta’ here. Wouldn’t want to keep my buddy, Les, waiting.

(Exits)

LONNIE

Are we going to let her get away with that?

MS. WHITMAN

I said the meeting is over.

LONNIE

I know, but…wait a minute., wait  a minute. We can build a case against her. For what she just said to you. I’m…I’m a witness. The employee handbook. We should start with the employee handbook…

(Begins leafing through the hard copy handbook in front of her)

..Let’s see…

(The phone on the conference room table begins ringing. Ms. Whitman answers it)

MS. WHITMAN

Hello, Ms. Whitman…Mr. Worthington…yes, yes I did, she just left. I know, but…

LONNIE

(Speaks her next lines more to herself)

If we can find the sections she violated…

MS. WHITMAN

…I just thought…well, yes, someone has to be held responsible….

LONNIE

…We can sum them up in a huge complaint, you sign…

MS. WHITMAN

…I don’t know what to say, I guess that’s me, it’s my responsibility…

LONNIE

…then  I sign as a witness…

MS. WHITMAN

…I know the director is retiring and it would look bad for me…

LONNIE

…Then confront Sam with the evidence…

MS. WHITMAN

….What? No, no…I couldn’t do that, she didn’t have anything to do…

LONNIE

…Even the CEO couldn’t protect her then.

MS, WHITMAN

…Yes, Mr. Worthington, yes….I understand…it seems like the best solution. I’ll do it. Immediately. I will. And thank you, thank you for finding a solution and, well…for everything. I’m grateful. Goodbye.

(She hangs up the phone)

LONNIE

I think we got her…

(MS. WHITMAN gets up and walks to the exit)

All we have to do is—

MS. WHITMAN

You’re fired.

LONNIE

What?…You can’t—

MS. WHITMAN

I can and I just did. 

(During the rest of her lines, she stalks LONNIE backing her around the table. LONNIE winds up leaning back on one side of the table, clutching it tightly as MS. WHITMAN delivers the last of her lines close to her face)

In fact, I just did you a favor. Showed you what your career will look like from here on out. What does Sam call it? A pretend job. How’s that sound? How’s it feel to join the ranks of the expendables, the wage slaves who get screamed at and bullied as we rush around gluing things together when they fall apart. But in the end that’s all we are. Useless glue, here to prop up the Sam Hollises of the world. All those meaningless courses you took with their fancy text books and slick photos of high-level meetings, people all smiles from different backgrounds, working together. As irrelevant as a Byron poem. Like you and…me…and…

(Pause. Turns away from her and begins to exit. Stops at the door without looking back at LONNIE)

Clear out your desk. Security will be by in 15 minutes to escort you out of the building.

(She exits. LONNIE is still leaning on the edge of the table, motionless. Lights fade out)
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