[Redacted] | Joanna Acevedo
In the weeks before Michael’s death, I quit smoking. Not because of anything, but just because I can, because these moments of rudeness and grace that we are dealt are sometimes more than we can handle. After he is dead, B— will smoke a cigarette, outside, with my cocaine dealer. They will talk about [redacted]. I worry they will talk about what it is like to fuck me, but the subject never comes up.
In the cult classic movie, Fight Club (1999), based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk, a commanding Brad Pitt tells us:“The sixth rule of Fight Club is the fights go on as long as they have to.” The fights, as the movie shows us, are quicksilver speedy—men grapple with each other, arms and legs akimbo, their fingers finding eye sockets and armpits, their toes hugging the polished concrete or hardwood. It’s not often that one thinks about their capacity for violence.
Fight Club was successful, and continues to be successful, because it shows us what we could be—dual sides of the coin, both the unnamed narrator and the sexy, confident Brad-Pitt-as-Tyler-Durden. We could be reckless, rebellious, if we only stepped out of our comfort zone. All of us, in our ways, have this capability. We’re just not reaching for it. The possibility is there, and this possibility is enough for most people.
In late March, I offer B— two of my extracted wisdom teeth; a peace offering. Michael has been dead three months. I know what my capability is—I have glanced sideways at the knife block as our voices rise, but I will never act on these urges. I do not know how to handle my grief. I read his obituary again, and it streaks through me like lightning, fresh as paint.
Fight Club offers us a way out through violence—but it’s a fantasy, and in the movie, unlike the novel, it’s also a love story. Violence will not save us, and neither will love. What will save us is [redacted]. Our only way out is through.
About the Author:
Joanna Acevedo is a writer, editor, and educator from New York City. She is the author of two books and two chapbooks, and her writing has been seen across the web and in print, including in Jelly Bucket, Hobart, The Rumpus, and The Adroit Journal, among others. She received her MFA in Fiction from New York University in 2021 and also holds degrees from Bard College and The New School. Read more about her and her work at https://www.joannaacevedo.net.